In January 2019, the life I knew changed forever!
I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD.
I’d been struggling at work and was finally signed off and instructed to rest. I contacted my private therapy clients to let them know what’s going on and to help them find alternative support. Everyone was so understanding and encouraging me to just focus on getting better and not to think about work.
Looking back, it makes so much sense. I’d been under a lot of stress for quite some time, but I kept on going, heading for burnout. I was totally exhausted and debilitated. I felt as though I was plummeting head first into the darkness of misery and hopelessness.
And then the crying started. It became my default setting. It was relentless. All the time, I couldn’t control it. It started slowly at first and anything could trigger it: Something I read; something on the tv; kind words from a friend; just a thought in my head.
But then, it became a constant state, like the flood gates opened and I couldn’t keep a lid on it at all. Whole days were taken up with tears. It’s so exhausting. I was so tired, so very very tired. I was going to bed exhausted and waking up exhausted.
I felt overwhelming guilt for not being able to do my job, for letting my clients down and overwhelming shame for not being able to fix myself.
When I actually stopped to think about it, I’ve been doing absolutely everything I could possibly think of to sort the problem. I couldn’t have done anymore.
I had to keep reminding myself that therapists are also human. Life happens and we react to it, just like everyone else. I did the best I could with what I had.
And what I had was total overwhelm.
One of the other symptoms I struggled with {and still do} was hypersensitivity. It’s so overpowering.
I was constantly scared and jumpy. Peter was having to monitor everything that I read or saw or watched in case it was triggering. Loud noises were the worst.
What I needed was: peace and quiet, I needed to rest, a deep soul rest. I was sleeping as much as I could. Resting and being still and quiet and that became my life.
Peter was amazing.
He understands.
He’s been struggling with his own demons for many years. So, he was gentle with me, he made me feel safe. He encouraged me to get outside everyday. I didn’t manage every day, but when I did get outside in nature, it had such a calming effect on my whole central nervous system.
Friends sent me photos of beautiful scenic places, so when I couldn’t get outside, I could still feel like I was in nature.
I was so lucky to have the support around me that I needed.
Zoë would hold my hand and tell me she is proud of me. It helps me to believe that I can get better. I might have felt like I’ve fallen into the darkness, but I’ve been here before and I’ve survived.
Although this is the first time I’ve been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder, I recognise the symptoms. They’ve shown up before along my journey through life.
First of all as a teenager, struggling to come to terms with the years of childhood abuse I suffered and the resulting anger and self hatred. I didn’t ask for help then, I just self medicated with alcohol and drugs and did the best I could. It was only after two suicide attempts that I sought help and got the therapy I so desperately needed.
It was then that I discovered how transformational therapy could be and that was the start of my journey to help others.
The symptoms showed up again when I experienced other traumatic times in my life. I made sure I took time to self care and stepped back from my therapy work, but I didn’t ask for help. I managed the symptoms myself and after a while, things got better. I felt ‘normal’ again.
This time things were different. I just didn’t feel like I could cope on my own. So, I did the thing I always tell my clients is the hardest step: I asked for help.
My life now is so different.
I’m learning to let go of the life I had and welcome in the new.
I sometimes mourn my old life when I would lecture and run workshops, share my courses and meditations online and hold the space for others in my therapy room.
Now, my life has a different structure which includes: medication as well as meditation, therapy sessions where I’m the client, daily creativity and journaling.
Creating this wee calm space to share my art and words are helping me just now. And knowing that sharing my work may help others is a blessing. I believe it’s important to share about our struggles, especial with our mental health. It can show others that they are not alone. And it can also help us heal.
Writing this blog post (although one of the scariest things I’ve ever done) is soothingly therapeutic. Writing in my journal is helping to ease the chaos in my head. There is too much in there to make sense of right now. Putting it all down on paper helps to get rid of a lot of the noise that I was carrying around in there.
Writing and drawing in my gratitude journal is also helping on a daily basis. Finding something to be grateful for when my head is so sore and heavy and full and the pain is constant, can be quite a struggle. But I always find something, even if it’s that I’m still here fighting. Fighting to live, fighting to get well again. I just want to get well again.
I don’t know if any of this is making sense.
I just know that I’ve committed to sharing what’s happening for me, with you, in the hope that it helps start a conversation, in the hope that it helps stop the stigma around mental health.
I may carry on and share the rest of my journey with you. Just thinking about that is giving me hope.
HOPE is such a powerful word. I’m going to hold on to it with all my might. I know deep inside that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, even if I can’t see it just now.
Thank you to all of you who are here reading this and thank you to everyone who is supporting me, I feel it everyday. Even if I can’t find the strength to reply to your kind messages and get well wishes, please know that I appreciate them. I’m overwhelmed with your kindness and it helps to heal.
Much love
Hx
p.s. one of my journal pages is dedicated to writing affirmations that I can look at every day. A daily reminder to keep me looking after me. I’ve created a piece of art to help me with this.
You can see it below. If you click on it, you can download it for yourself. Pin it to your wall, read it every day – I hope it helps xxxx
Heather I was moved by your blog and inspired by your courage. I felt it gave me permission to open the doors to the pain I’ve locked inside since childhood. As I write this I feel I too can give myself permission to unravel. Holding you close to my heart where there is love and hope.
Lovely Toni, I see you! One of the things I’ve learnt is that how ever much we focus on helping others – our own pain will find its way to the surface. Looking back, this had to happen so that I could spend time with my own inner child just crying out for my attention. We have both spent time and our gifts helping other children. Now it’s time for our inner child to get the space she needs. Sending you so much love on your own healing journey. Hx
Thank you for sharing your journey, Heather. You have opened the door, not only to your own healing, but also so that others might step through the portal to accompany you. Some of us may need extra healing; others may be the stalwarts that bolster the rest of us.
I’m so happy to hear you have both Peter and Zoe as your supporting allies during this journey. Even when it’s difficult to do, leaning in to those who love us is paramount for healing. Dang the laws of life, huh?!?!
No matter who you are, how you feel, and how you show up, I’m all IN on being an ally in support of your journey. No matter how you show up, I’m here for that too. Thanks for sharing your story.
Debra, thank you, thank you, thank you lovely. I’m so glad that sharing my story may help support others on their own journey. You are so right – we all need our allies and I’ve been very lucky to be surrounded by loving souls. I’m so touched by your support and allyship – I feel very lucky and grateful Hx
Dear Heather , you are amazing , enlightening and a life source to me , at my lowest, almost a decade ago I came across you , and I will never forget the hope and gentle kindness you gave of yourself to others , I was so very grateful, and I am now , always will be , so glad you have beautiful support around you , you’ll always be in my heart , With immense gratitude, sending love always , Jacqueline xxx
Oh my goodness! Thank you so much for your very kind words lovely. I’m so glad that I could be there for you when you needed some hope and kindness. My hope is that you never feel you are alone. Sending gentle hugs and love Hxxx